{My Delayed Fairytale} Stories about life, love and Lily.

Saturday, April 7, 2012

Holding Patterns

Lately, all I want to do is hold Lily. I want to cuddle with her. I want to hold on to her tight and feel her heart beating up against my body. You see, the closer I hold her to me, then the more I can keep her from being summed up too quickly by others. The more I can protect her; then the more I can shield her from the stares and questionable looks that I am starting to experience out in public with her. I really don't mind. I just want to keep her from being judged. I want to keep her from being put into a "disabled" box too soon. It was bound to happen. It's starting.

I'm holding on tight to her. I need to let go. I can't.

There is nothing I hate more than when a blogger I am following, stops writing. I am sorry that I am that blogger as of late. I try to feel inspired. I try to think of something deep to write about, but all I really want to do is just hold Lily and be her mother. So I do. So I have. So that's what I've been doing.

Since Martin is out of town, I have no distractions. Without any distractions, I tend to think a lot more about Lily. Mainly, I think about the future. Her future. My future. Mine and Martin's future with Lily. The more I think, the more I find myself holding her with a grip that only a mother knows. How can I protect her forever? I need to protect her. I need to shield her from ridicule. I need to be able to explain to everyone why she is the way she is. I wish I knew—so that I could be better prepared for all the questions. They're coming. I want to explain to everyone that encounters my little girl that she IS different but she is also perfect. In one second you can see how perfect she is. Just be patient.

When I think about all of "this" that's coming, all I want to do is hold her again. Up close. Tight to my chest.

Eventually, I know that I'll need to put her down. I know. I need to let her experience her world, whatever that world will be. I need to push her enough in order for her to grow. Gather knowledge. Experience her life.

I need to not hold on so tight. If I could just loosen my grip. Not yet.

Luckily Martin comes home tomorrow.

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*Watercolor/drawing above was a gift from Elizabeth to Lily. I'll explain more of how she and I crossed paths, as soon as I'm done showing off her talent. She's a keeper!

About Kym and her Lilybean:

Hi! I'm Kym and I didn't become a mother until I was 41 (and a half)! Up until that point, I worked in marketing, mainly throwing huge events for a large tech company. My job was fun! But after I got married to my husband, Martin, we had our little girl, Lily and I made the decision to stay at home with her. It was always my dream to have a child and to be a mother. I knew it was going to be hard, but I didn't know how much I would stumble, laugh, and learn along the way. It's A LOT of work! And way harder than catching a red-eye to some hot spot to throw a party.

While the doctors still have yet to figure out what Lily has, we know she has hypotonia. Hypotonia is better known as "floppy baby syndrome," meaning her muscles aren't fully developed. Hypotonia makes it hard for her to sit up, crawl, talk, and walk. In fact, she has yet to do the last three, so she is severely delayed.

I hope this blog gives you a little laughter and hope while reading the perils of a middle-aged, first-time mom struggling to raise a child with a disability. More importantly, I hope it helps you to get to know a little more about Lily, her condition, and what and how I learn from her daily. We might be moving at a slower pace than most, but this is my delayed fairytale.