Last week as I was running from store to store, purchasing last
minute gifts for Christmas, I couldn’t help but get caught up in all the fabulous
Christmas décor that was being sold. I kept thinking, “I need to
get this for the house. It would be so beautiful and really make Christmas
special.” Then I would put the item back
down and say to myself, “I’ll wait until next week when everything goes on
sale. I’ll buy it then and it will be practically free!”
Now, it’s “next week” and I haven’t stepped foot in any of those stores.
Nor do I plan to for a good month. I’m kinda shopped out or at least a little
crowd shy. Truth is, the thought of having to lug Lily in and out of a car seat
and stroller, then deal with the large crowds while trying to navigate a
stroller through these crowds exhausts me just thinking about it. I say to myself, “I can’t.” Then in the next
breath I’ll say, “Oh, but there are so many good deals that I am missing out
on, I need to get to the mall!” Then I will mentally slap myself in the face and say, “Get a hold of yourself, Kym. You DO NOT want to drag Lily through that mall
for that stupid silvery, shiny ever-so-wonderful wreath that you saw at that
cute store! It’s not worth it!”
I’m okay for awhile until I start thinking about everyone else out there
shopping and purchasing MY silvery, shiny wreath only because they have more
freedom than I do at the moment. I envy
them! I envy their freedom in being
able to just “pick up and go” without anything or anyone holding them back. I REALLY envy that type of freedom right now.
These are the moments in my life when I long for the days of my carefree independence. The time in my life when I could just leave
at a moment’s notice and not have to tell anyone what time to expect me home,
let alone worry about getting dinner on the table. I realize that this season in my life has
passed and I am now on to a different season. A season where I have to worry about a toddler. I not only have to worry about her everyday needs but I also have to worry about her special needs. Likewise, I need to make
sure that my husband gets at least one hot meal on the table during the week. This is the season when I have to step back a
little and put others needs right in line with mine. Or dare I say, in front of
mine?
Seasons. I have heard that word a
lot lately. “'Tis the Season.” “Season’s
Greetings.” “This Christmas Season.” “The Happiest Season of All!” I have read it in Christmas cards, on
billboards next to the freeway and heard it sung in songs on the radio.
I am also reminded and anticipate the changing of the seasons throughout the year. The beautiful Fall leaves, the cold Winter, the flowers of Spring and the heat of the Summer. Then there are the seasons in each
of our lives where we experience a significant shift. Sometimes the changes are obvious and others come more gradual.
In the scriptures it reads, “To
every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven… a
time to weep, and a time to laugh; …and a time to dance…” (Ecclesiastes 3:1-7)
Everything and everybody falls into a season in this life. Mine just happens to be the season of
motherhood. Which means me having to give a little now in order to
get a huge return later. At least that’s how I look at it.
There was a particular season in my life, not long ago, when I was first
squeezing into being comfortable with the idea of being a first-time mom. It was a wonderful time. I was just getting
to know my new little girl, loving her new baby smell, examining her tiny baby hands
and kissing on her adorable little feet. However, it
was also a time when I didn’t feel so confident about being a mother and was
unsure if I had even made the right decision in becoming one in the first place. This motherhood “business” was hard!
There were moments in the first year of Lily's life that I still couldn’t believe that after a season of being
single and having a fabulous job and working with amazing people—that I gave
it all up to have her and her rosebud lips move in
to our home and also my heart.
In truth, I CHOSE to be home with Lily, but at the moment that tidbit
of information seemed unimportant. I just wanted to feel sorry for myself
for "giving it all up" for this tiny little person that needed me around the clock.
One night around 4:00 am when Lily was about 4-weeks-old, I was feeling particularly sorry for myself. I was up with Lily and heard
a noise outside her bedroom window. I parted
the curtains and moved open the blinds and looked out only to see the snow plow
driver coming up our street, moving the snow to the side of the road after a
particularly heavy snowfall that night. At that moment, I thought to myself, “The only people that are up right
now are me, Lily and the snow plow driver! EVERYONE else is sleeping away in their warm beds.” Then I began to cry. There was no one to call at that time in the
morning and I didn’t want to wake Martin because I knew he had to go to work in
the morning and needed his rest. So I
just sat there and cried in the dark.
As I continued to watch the snow plow disappear from my sight, I thought
about how everything, EVERYONE was moving and progressing while I was just
sitting there, caring for this little baby... and disappearing. All of my friends were in a different seasons
in their lives and seemed to still be in motion. They were accepting promotions at work, traveling to
beautiful parts of the world, preparing for their children’s graduations from
high school, improving their talents, finishing degrees and making plans for
something exciting—while I was just sitting there holding a bottle to the mouth of my
tiny little girl.
At that moment, as I sat in the darkness of Lily's nursery, I felt as if I didn’t matter anymore and I
was going to be forgotten by everyone. I was feeling myself slowly disappearing from everyone’s sight, and
worse, from my own sight. Of course, I can
look back now, and realize that I WAS BEING RIDICULOUS but at that moment, I
felt worthless.
Luckily, the morning came and with it came perspective. The thought of me not having Lily or Martin in my life seemed incomprehensible. What had
I been thinking earlier? Being sleep deprived didn't help and probably contributed to me not realizing in the wee hours of the morning that what I was doing was the most important thing in the
world. I was
caring for the life of another. It was
the first selfless act I had done in years!
I should have recognized it all sooner. I had
been blessed with the two most important things that I had prayed to have for years—A wonderful
husband and a sweet, beautiful child! It's amazing how quickly I can forget sometimes. The one blessing I longed for was quickly forgotten in a moment of self-deprecation.
Today, I’m in a different season of my life. To be honest, this season is tiring. It seems that when I get the house all clean
and tidy, I wake the next morning to more laundry, more sweeping, more dishes in
the sink and more diapers that need to be changed. On top of those duties, I am
at doctor’s appointments, working with physical therapists and driving to meet
with a speech therapist. It can feel
like a thankless job, but luckily I have a grateful husband that reminds me
often of how wonderful I really am.
This is also a season where I have responsibilities at church that keep
me busy. I have even taken an advanced degree class on Russian history and became quite the Russophile during
that semester. I am writing more,
reading more, trying to take care of myself more and cultivating my
relationships with my girl friends more. I appreciate my husband more, my home
more, and my wonderful, darling daughter more.
I am also appreciating my strong body, my mind and my sense of humor
even more.
Oh, I am far from satisfied, but I am getting there. Some days are better than others, but
all-in-all, I am a happy lady. I am
appreciating this season in my life because I feel visible, accountable and important to my little tribe. It’s a
different kind of important than when I was single and making important
decisions at work, but this is where I want to be. I MADE the decision to be
doing what I am doing in this season of my life.
Yeah, I’d love to be at the mall or in that tiny, cute Christmas
boutique taking advantage of 75% off on everything sale. I still envy those people that can take
advantage of their “get up and go” carefree life. I’m human, and being human means I have faults. Mine at this particular time is envy, but it’s not
catastrophic or life ending. It's just plain ol' envy of something I can't do so easily at this time in my life.
In the end, in the grand scheme of things, I know there will always be a
year-end sale or another good deal.
However, there may never be a season in this short time on earth where
another person depends on me as much as Lily does. This is also a season
where I know that I am loved AND cherished by my husband and daughter. It is a time that I feel more alive, more present AND more needed than ever before.
So, in spite of this time in my life that includes lots of haste, exhaustion, responsibility and
selflessness; I also feel more satisfied and content. This is the season where I will, “weep (a little), laugh (a lot) and dance (like never before).” Because this is MY season.
*Photo above by Melissa Schoenhardt of Moxie Photography. Provo, Utah.
